Finding a way to enjoy sex should be simple. Two people in a committed couple may differ about how to spend leisure time. If so they could each spend some in his or her preferred way. Then spend some time together. Accommodation can be made for people who have wildly differing food tastes so that they can eat together, one on organic veggies and one on roast beef.
If, however, two people in a monogamous relationship are not in agreement on sexual matters – when, where or how to have it – there is rarely a satisfactory compromise.
What if we have different preferences?
At its simplest, if one person prefers sex at night and the other sex in the morning, then chances are sex at noon will satisfy neither. It’s never that basic or simple though.
A person who can only be satisfied by a dominance/submission ritual complete with the various accoutrements and costumes, at least twice a week. While the other wants brief sexual intercourse with no preamble or decorative trimmings, maybe every few weeks or so. A vanilla quickie about every 10 days wouldn’t begin to satisfy person A. However, person B would find the original scenario an enormous chore, if not outright uncomfortable excess. Somehow, these two people want to make a life together with loving satisfaction for both. This is an example of an extreme situation.
Is there a solution?
The apparently obvious solution is that these two enjoy everything they do enjoy together within their relationship and to go elsewhere to find a like minded individual with whom to have sex. Sadly, this is not a solution that works for many, if any. Life would be much simpler if it did.
Over the years we have seen variations on this theme of desire discrepancy in my counselling office many times. Our simple solution of “have what you want elsewhere” and stop trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole, so to speak, is countered by the couple’s own customary solution of having the other partner modify his or her desires. “If you only wanted what I want, there would be no problem.”
Usually the couple does work out some arrangement. More often grudgingly than gracefully peace can be restored. Usually only for a while, until one person’s mind set of being deprived or the other person’s feelings of being pressured erupts again or takes its toll on other aspects of the relationship.
How can we make it work?
Very often some of the needs that a sexual encounter between a loving couple fulfils can be parcelled out. Interaction with your children, social dancing, massages, and an affectionate pet can all create a greater need for touch in one partner. One’s partner does not have to satisfy all the person’s emotional needs nor does sex have to carry the total burden of their expression. It’s not customary for someone who feels “my partner won’t satisfy me” to look for alternate means of satisfaction. But still remain monogamous.
Our procedures and treatments can help couples to enjoy sex again. Whether you decide to opt for more girth, more length or if you are suffering from erectile dysfunction and want a penile implant we can help.
Don’t hesitate to get in touch and find out how we can help you get your relationship back on track.